How do you bid someone, who has been a huge part of your existence, goodbye?

My eulogy to my grandmother, read by my younger brother in my absence.

How do you bid someone, who has been a huge part of your existence, goodbye?

In April this year, after Ammah was discharged from the hospital, she was never the same. She didn’t sound like herself over the phone, when a few days before, she was laughing with me during one of our conversations. It was then that I came face to face with reality that my Ammah’s overall health was fast deteriorating. She was depressed because she could no longer walk. She felt useless. I took the next flight home. I was so scared to lose her because I wasn’t ready. 

When I arrived, the first thing I asked her was to share with me her Baulu recipe. You see, no one can match my Ammah’s Baulu. Now you might wonder why of all things, I asked for her recipe. Back then, I acted on impulse but in retrospect, I now realized that the recipe represented much more than food. It represented Ammah’s love for me, for Angkong and our big family. She expressed her love through food. I wanted to preserve that through her recipe. 

My Ammah is someone I’d call emotionally constipated. Did you know that the first time she said “I Love You” to me was when she was already 96 years old? I cried so hard after I put the phone down. Perhaps from shock. She had great culinary skills and she used them to show us what she felt deep inside her. Who said pancakes were for breakfast only? I had “apam” all day. I only need to tell Ammah. 

She loved all of her grandchildren so much. She collected so much photos of us and they’re all over her house. On her 97th birthday, I showed her photos of all her grandchildren and she knew each one by name. 

My brother Neil and I were blessed with geographical proximity to Ammah and Angkong. That is the main reason why we were the ones who mostly experienced the physical act of loving that came in a variety of ways. Yet this circumstance does not diminish the fact that Ammah loved all of us with all her heart. I should know because I was the one she would talk to whenever she misses any of her grandchildren. I was the one who played picture slideshows and videos of her grandchildren and great grandchildren living in other cities or overseas. All of these made her very happy these last few years.

I could go on and on about my beloved Ammah but it’s time to answer my question earlier. How do you bid someone, who has been a huge part of your existence, goodbye?

I guess I will never be able to say goodbye to my Ammah. I won’t, because in January this year, Jesus impressed on me that He wants Ammah to be with Him in heaven soon. However, He promised that we will only part ways temporarily and will be together again with everyone we hold dear, someday, for eternity.

Reading from God’s word to me that day in January when I cried my heart out to Jesus, bargaining, asking Him to help me accept and trust Him:

He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end. - Ecclesiastes 3:11

Rest now in the loving arms of Jesus, Ammah. I love you so much. Thank you for sharing your life with me for 38 years. Until we see each other again in heaven.