Gentle whisper

On the 4th day of my prayer and fasting, I woke up disoriented and upset. Perhaps it was because I did not get a restful sleep yet again. This has been going on since day one of my prayer and fasting week. I have been having dreams that seemed like they were overloaded with details which I could not recall. 

And then it dawned on me that the reason I was feeling out of sorts was because I somehow felt that God was hiding from me. For the past 10 years of joining our corporate prayer and fasting, God always clearly revealed Himself to me through promises, revelations and even through the shaking of people and things that were important to me. He would even directly point out things in my life that were dishonoring him. This year however was different. I was not content. I praise God for the trials and triumphs of 2014. I stand in faith that He will answer all my prayer requests according to His good, pleasing and perfect will this year but I still don't feel right. I want more! I couldn't figure out what it was that I wanted.

In my confusion, I prayed: "God search my heart, if there is anything that is keeping me away from you, forgive me." And then there was nothing.

I was bordering on desperation and tears were welling in my eyes so I prayed again: "God please pakita ka naman sa akin (God please reveal yourself to me). What is your word for me Lord? What do you want to tell me this 2015?" Nothing still. I began to cry and the lyrics of this song came to mind and I started singing:

Let Your presence come and saturate
Every part of me make me new
Let Your Spirit come and move within
Fill me once again cause I need more

Jesus I'm desperate for You
Jesus I'm hungry for You
Jesus I'm longing for You
Lord You are all I want

Come like a flood and saturate me now
You're all I want
Come like the wind
And sweep throughout this place
You're all we want

As I was worshiping the Lord this verse came to my mind:

After the earthquake came a fire, but the LORD was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper. - 1 Kings 19:12

And then in my heart I heard God telling me that He's not far away. He's been with me the whole time I just didn't notice because I was busy looking for something else. He whispered: "Cheshire, I love you! Above anything else, that is the best revelation I want you to have."

I made everything complicated. Perhaps I was looking for something mystical. And in the midst of all the chaos, I was so distracted and felt away from Jesus. The moment I went down on my knees and worshiped, in the stillness of my spirit, God spoke to me those three little words that are more than enough for me.

Lord i'm amazed by you, how you love me....

And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord.

 - Romans 8:38-39